One year ago today the lines that came to me and that remain as true as they were then in relation to my thoughts of Jim were:
This shaking keeps me steady, I should know.
What falls away is always, and is near.
I wake to sleep and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.
Jim is always in my thoughts, but I’m getting used to living alone and slowly discovering that life without the companionship that being one of a couple provides is not necessarily lonely. I am helped through every day by the kind words and acts of family, friends and strangers. Writing this makes me sad for the loss of Jim and brings tears to my eyes. I know that these sentiments will do nothing for him, but I get a sense of peace after releasing them. As I rarely have any desire to be anybody other than myself, I spend most of the time living life much as I always have. Although I think I am more aware now of the reality of suffering in life and hope that this will make me better able to sense when and how I can help others as so many have helped me.
While hiking the other day I had a vague memory of something Yogi Berra said. I consulted the great god google to see if I could find it. I think I’ll keep it in mind as I continue to “learn by going where I have to go.” A slight paraphrase is:
Keep trying. Stay humble. Trust your instincts. Most importantly, act.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Bill and I are having a good visit with the aged Ps. It’s emotionally charged as such reunions are, but we are all trying to control our tendencies to be opinionated and contrary. As usual the fact that I can withdraw to the sanity of Barbara and Terry’s suite is a great help for all of us. We had lunch at Barbara and Terry’s today. The food was delicious and the conversation lively. I’m off to bed. Tomorrow will be another busy day with mom and dad’s neighbors coming for coffee at 10 and me driving Bill to the dentist at 1:30. He’s had a toothache and will probably have a root canal.
All the best to all of you.
Jim preparing one of our many ill-fated barbecues
Dad, Barbara, Terry, Mom and Bill after today's lunch at B and T's B&B.
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